Where's the Exit?

I'm desperately seeking for an exit to escape.

You'll understand what kind of exit I'm meaning when you look at the picture below.

No matter how, I'm always alone on this Earth.

God, please.

Charm

The words 'charm' and 'charming' always remind me of the 'Prince Charming - Prince Edward' in the Enchanted - A Disney's fantasy-musical film. But today, at this moment when there is a drizzling rain outside, I have a new perception of the word 'charm'.

I should have apprehended it earlier.

Some people have inborn charms - with attractive physical appearance, while some people have inherent charms. 'Inborn' and 'inherent' may mean the same, in some sense, but to me, it is different cos some inborn charms just can't last long and they fade with time.

I wish to have the charms regardless of which type, to be honest. The power of arousing admiration has just been unfairly given one owning it a lot of chances. And, it would just be agreeable to most of the beings on this Earth when a charming person has made a mistake.

Lacking that small bit of charm would have the opposite effect. It's just unreasonably hard to get an opportunity even you have spared all of your efforts in getting it. To the unfortunates who are just lacking this charisma to enchant the people around him or her, don't you ever have an idea that why the world is just treating you differently from other and why's there a discrepancy between you and your 'opponent'? These thoughts will just make you an object of ridicule and bereft of hope.

THINK DIFFERENTLY, I'm saying this to myself.

P/S: This post is not meant to be written in an ironical manner. I apologize if you're a charismatic charm and you're somewhat uncomfortable with it.

Am I in your list?

Dear family members, friends and acquaintances of mine,

If you happen to see this post, kindly use the title of this post as a question for the following statements. This is neither a test nor a quiz and so there’s no true or false. Rather, it is more similar to a questionnaire, often to be filled up by us if you encounter one in your college who’s desperate for information for their research.

Let’s see what I have, I suppose I should take the good things first:

You’ve a very personal problem; it can be everything and need one to share it with.
You’ve planned a trip to the place you really fancy and you need the people you care to go and enjoy with you.
You always have a patient heart to listen and give consolation to your buddies’ probs.
You’ve a birthday party for your 20th birthday and you invite those who are indeed crucial in your life.
You’ve recently moved to a new apartment and you hope your friends can come and have a look on your new dwelling.
You’ve a pile of notes to whack up.
You’ve bought a special kind of delish food and you wish you can have it with your best friends.
You’ve come across a good thing that you think I will like this and would really want to have it from you.

Ah~ I guess you may think me as very materialistic but they actually have hidden clues. Let’s see what I have prepared for the cynical and pessimistic part.

You’re seeking for one who can fulfill your every need, help you whenever and wherever you want but never hope that he or she will need yours one day.
You’re searching for a fool who will never say ‘no’ to any request from you.
You’re frowning disapprovingly at one who’s a geek which literally suits the adjectives: weak, stupid and awkward.
You really hate this person a lot for not more than one reason, i.e. he or she really makes you sick.
You’re watching one with disdain when you’ve found out they couldn’t find a perfect solution for you.
You’ll never want this person to be part of your life.
You have never wanted so much to throw an F-bomb on him or her.
You’ve never seen one with hideous appearance.
You’ll do well when you need him or her and the opposite when he or she is not better than a load of rubbish.

Have these questions scared your pants off? I don’t think so if you know me well. Of course, I genuinely like to see there are many ‘yes’ for the first part though it’s sometimes not quite possible.

There’s one statement that I’ve affirmed:

God love everyone. Yes, I’m in the list. Please keep me in your list forever, I’m begging you, Father. Amen.

My twin brother

Hi there, meet my twin brother. He’s depression. I have been living for nearly nineteen years and he has never once left me for more than one week. We stick together like a wad of chewing gum and the stickiness is getting more and more these days.

I don’t particularly like my twin brother. Well, hell, he likes me. I have never wanted to give him a call but he does so at every moment. I am so annoyed that I always throw my phone aside and go for a sleep.

Sleeping makes me feel better most of the time but it’s not relieving my problem, not recently anyhow.

Until recently, his calls have increased in frequency and he has come out with more strategies to trick me into hearing his voice. My phone call history not merely has his miscalls or calls recorded, but also has a full list of numbers contributed by his friends.

Thanks to his recommendations, I have more friends now, who could later turn into my blood-brothers, just like what depression had done to me many years ago.

Let’s see what friends I have just gotten connected to:

Abandoned, bereft of happiness, careless, dampened, enslaved and many more…
Out of all, gloominess and loneliness call me the most.

My world is half asleep though I am awake for my work everyday. I am colour-blind now for I can only distinguish the black and white. Anywhere I’m going, I have to spend some time in compelling myself to wear a mask to hide myself and also my insecurity about my appearance and everything...

What can I do? I pray and wait for HIS grace.

P/S: His friends have chased away mine. Every relationship results in nothing at the end.

So What?

I have had and will have many of my first times happening in Kuala Lumpur, in this city of temptation where I don't really belong to though I wish to. I hail from a shabby kampong where a life over there is simple and even people who are considered fashionable with their so-called punk-fashionably dressings are nothing but 38. How could they regard themselves to be the heights of fashion and sophiscation when they're wearing clothes which had been sold here for months already?

I'd just given my another first-time to Dream this evening - hanging out with her and friends for singing in a karaoke bar in conjunction with her birthday on 4th of Novemeber. An indeed memorable day for a kampong boy like me, with free food, drinks, long couchs comfortable for sleeping, microphones, speakers, song-selector and most importantly friends who're insanely keen on singing. Thanks to Dream and her mum for this golden chance and I guess I might not have another in the future.

Everyone's so cool, except me when coming to karaoke-singing. I guess I was just lack of courage and confidence when trying to deal with something which's totally new to me. Throughout this evening, I'd actually enjoyed myself very much though I didn't really display it. From my friends who couldn't really and didn't really want to stop singing, I've learnt a new definition for the term 'all-rounder'. All-rounders shouldn't only be good in everything that's recognized as 'good deeds' by the people but also need to show some knowledge in others which are the opposites. Ming was right, I was afraid and unsure of myself when coming to something that I'd never been experiencing before. I flinched at touches of anybody, flinching away from anything completely new to me and leading myself a solitary existence.

On the way back to Angkasa, I pondered over the trembling excitement that everybody had had just now and I found that I could really be like them, making myself more enjoyful by mimicing their reaction of singing, shouting and screaming in front of everyone with a microphone confidently held in hands. I am also aware that I've actually many songs to share. I like many songs by Backstreet Boys, Jay Chou and SHE and I know I can sing them providing the lyrics are given. Due to my timidity, I have been losing many opportunities which may not happen to me again in the rest of my life.

I recollected how I had been spending alone with the songs I like in the bathroom or somewhere else with nobody. I would always stop singing immediately after every bath or during when somebody has suddenly invaded into my safety zone. I am terribly afraid that my voices and my actions would make me blush and bring me howls of derision from the others.

This fear has been torturing me for years. I really envy those who can lead a life with no fear. I like to be somebody who can take challenges and adapt to the new changes. In fact, I should actually forget what I was, I need to change, never looking back at the bad things which had been happening all this while.

God, please help me to change~ I need faith and confidence.

Depressed 우울

I have a bout of depression these days. There’re too much many things for me to be worried about though most of them are trifles.

I admit myself as a somewhat eccentric person. I’ve never been able to have myself controlled well emotionally and psychologically. I have too many worries and fears. I shouldn’t have those, I know.

I’m acting as if I’m a -philiac. I am easily addicted to anything I like. A BLEACH junkie, I can’t find a way to get rid of this role I’m playing.

I realize that am getting further away from God. It is coming with a manifest sign – I’ve no peace.

I’m behaving as if I’m a chronic AIDS patient. I’ve lost my immunity to fight against the loss of confidence and joyfulness.

I’m getting gradually indolent about everything. I’d lost touch to Korean, too much of my regret.
That’s no way for me now to iron my laziness out.

I’m a problem child, a problem friend, a problem family member, a problem partner.
I’ve an unfortunate habit of causing problems to others.

I’m in abject misery and have started to let things slide.
I should take Dogmatil, perhaps.

Am I taking everything too seriously? Should I?

A Story for You to Live by

I don't particularly like to read the forwarded messages from my friends. Due to inconvenience in accessing Internet when I was in Cheras, I did't really check my Yahoo or Hotmail as often as normal ones will do. Usually after weeks, my mailboxes would be stuffed with these junks: You've 151 unreaded messages in your inbox (I am sorry to regard them this way as it's totally a no-no for me to read them all together at one time).

Anyway, I'm on holiday now until 13th of July and so I am free enough to check mails everyday and even twice or thrice per day. So those forwarded ones being received within this period of time will be entertained with great appreciation. (Sorry for those who're kind to deliver their cool messages to me when I's in Cheras, it's definitely bad to delete others' messages without skimming through, thanks a bunch :D)

An indeed well-written story for you to live by below. Read carefully and reflect on it

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

有一位瞎女很討厭自己因為眼睛瞎了。她也討厭每個人，唯一不討厭的是她的男朋友，因為他都常守在她身旁。於是她對她的男朋友說：「如果能讓我看到這個世界，我愿意嫁給你！」

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

有一天，有人捐了一對眼精給她。當紗布解開時，她能夠看到一切，包括她的男朋友。

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

男朋友問她：「現在你可以看到這世界，你愿意嫁給我嗎？」那女孩看了男朋友是個瞎子，他那對蓋上眼皮的眼睛嚇到了她，這是她無法想像。她想：要我嫁給他而一生對着他這個樣子，我無法接受。

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

於是，她的男朋友很傷心的離開她，幾天後寫了字條給她：「親愛的，請你好好照顧你的眼睛，因為它不是屬於你的之前，它是屬於我的。」

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

這也是人的腦會如何做當情況有所變動。只有少許人會記得他或她之前的生活及誰會在身旁當他或她處在困境的時候

Life Is a Gift

生命是一份禮物

Today
before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
今天，當你要講一句不善之言－－請想想那些無法講話的人

Before
you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.....
當你要埋怨食物的味道時－－請想想那些沒有食物吃的人

Before
you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
當你要埋怨你的先生或太太時－－請想想那些在向上天哭訴要一個伴侶的人

Today
before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
今天，當你要埋怨生活時－－請想想那些太早離開人世間的人

Before
you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.......
當你要埋怨小孩時－－請想想那些渴望小孩而無能生育的人

Before
you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
當你要爭論沒有人清理屋子時－－請想想那些住在街邊的人

Before
whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
當你在哀訴駕駛的路程－－請想想那些同樣的路程以代步的人

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
當你很疲備而埋怨工作時－－請想想那些無工作，殘疾的，及那些多麼希望擁有你這份工作的人

But
before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
當你想要指著人或互相譴責時－－請記得沒有一個人是無罪

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.....
當壓抑的念頭讓你無法振作時－－請你笑一笑想想：你還活著存在世間！

I will remember them always. Think before you act.

My Journey as a Pharmacist (약사로서 나의 여정) 3

I’ve only a few words as a comment for my 4th day here on attachment, i.e. I’m bored to death.

Mr. Ong’s somewhat free from my observations. Apart from sitting for newspaper and surfing Internet for some own business unrelated to his job, he’s prompt in taking his meals. (I really hope he won’t have read this post by chance in the future or else the consequence will be too ghastly to think about.)

Anyhow, he deserves a simple life like this. Most of my friends and relatives had always questioned me about my decision to be a pharmacist. My refusal to select medicine or dentistry seemed to have puzzled them quite a lot.

I visited ReCom and became a member of this Internet community last year in April. It’s a cool forum-styled website with plenty of useful educational information. It’s really expanded and widened my pupils so as to let all the new images that I’d never seen to enter my eyes and then my brain. Besides giving me some precious knowledge, it also affected my mindset in a positive way after thousands of posts by the veteran ReCommers had been skimmed through.

I guess it also had inflicted some ‘damage’ to my confidence hereafter of choosing to be a doctor or dentist. Accordingly, I chose pharmacy.

The idea of choosing pharmacy came into my mind only when I couldn’t find a way to be a doctor or a dentist. This‘s a shame. I’ve been underestimating the roles of a pharmacist.
I’d done a mistake, much to my regret.

Have I ever asked myself that I’m suitably qualified for a pharmacist?
Before making this decision, there’re actually quite a number of issues to be dealt with:

Am I careful about detail and thorough in completing work tasks?
Am I reliable, responsible, and dependable, and able to fulfill obligations?
Am I honest and ethical?
Am I able to accept criticism and deal calmly and effectively with high stress situations?
Am I sensitive enough to others' needs and feelings and being understanding and helpful?
Am I able to be pleasant with others on the job and be able to display a good-natured, cooperative attitude?
Am I analytical enough?
Am I independent?
Am I able to maintain composure, keep emotions in check, control anger, and avoid aggressive behavior, even in very difficult situations?
Am I being open to change (positive or negative) and to considerable variety in the workplace?
Am I willing to take on responsibilities and challenges?
Am I able to work with others rather than alone, and being personally connected with others on the job?

No. I’m not.

Despite a retail pharmacy to which I’m attached, it had really taught me an invaluable lesson that I shouldn’t judge the nobility of an occupation with its title. Every job’s noble as long as it’s a contributor to harmony and peace.

I can see there’s still a long, tough and hard way for me to go through. Be brave. God, please help me.

Reducing Weight 무게 감소

Reducing weight is pretty easy if you're to decrease your weight from 635 kg (the mass of Dr. Robert Schwartz, the heaviest man in the record) to 419 kg. And, the time required to lose such a big bulk is often short.

What do you think about losing weight from 70 kg to 60 kg? Can you do it with ease to an extent that you can lose 2 kg per day? It's definitely a no-no. To get lighter on the weighing balance is infinitely harder.

Improving a language that you've learned is like reducing weight from 70 kg to 60 kg. Starting to lose terribly great mass is a simile of getting started with a new language.

I am arching for better English but I've no idea how to make it fast. Perhaps I am too worrying about my Physics, Chemistry and Biology. In spite of being in contact with this language all the time, no obvious improvement has been recorded.

I start to have a feeling of anxiety over my ability in this language these days. I guess I should begin to work on it before it's too late. I hope blogging is one of them.

Cases Study

Case 1
"Mr. Tan, you really have a big problem with your pronunciation. Why do you always spell the letter 'l' as 'r', and 'r' as 'l', huh? I will give you one-week time to have a try-out on the word 'Lantaran'. If you fail to say it right, I am sorry as I have to say: Mr Tan, you are such a failure!" Your pronunciation of 'blogger' make me think of only one sentence that suits you much more than others, viz. 'Are you learning English?' And I am afraid to say that you perhaps won't have any chance to get any higher bands than 5.5 for your coming IELTS in March.

Case 2
"You are still b-r-o-g-g-i-ng?, On the day of exam?"

Case 3
I saw a monkey lingering around the nearby Giant this morning. Perhaps it wished to help its kind to replenish their stocks.

Her Acute Anxiety, Depression and Insomnia 그녀같은걱정, 우울과 불면

She was left alone six months ago in her own residence as if she had to put in quarantine for carrying some sort of diseases. The bout of depression she was having all this while and her choice to abandon herself to grief had caused her life more sufferings and pains.
On the day before she felt like her life of misery was going to be taken away like extinguishing a fire, he returned home. She was rescued and she rejoiced at the newest change in her life – as he had taken an oath of ‘not-going-to-leave-you-again’ to her as if she was the queen of his.

She held covetous stares on him, as though she’s saying ‘Don’t leave me’. Unforeseen by her, he agreed.

She soon knew that the relationship would become less easy once he was going to be lumbered with his endless responsibilities. She had an awful feeling and was afraid of any dreadful news that might be received like a letter delivered by a mailman who would never have done any mistakes. She was contemplating having a talk with him. She should, indeed, she knew that.
She was too ordinary to resist the lure of happiness. And he was her happiness…

P/S: My examination is on today, I have to leave her for a while.

My MSSP 돈을 아끼고…

MSSP stands for My Scrimping and Saving Program. Cool, isn’t it?
I am actually given roughly RM 500 per month, comprising my own allowance by my sponsor and also some pocket money from my grandma and my mum.
A compelling reason has latterly made me start my MSSP. I am not sure whether or not my bloggie passengers have noticed one of my sections: 'Am I reading?' (Just changed the name, formerly Bookworms), the fiction books being read are getting more and more lately.
I don’t know why but admittedly, I have just fallen in love with books.

I am not completely a realist though, but I know that if I really wish to read a lot, I need to buy myself those pricey yet entertaining fictions. It would not be pleasant to my avid-reader friends to lend their books to me all the way.

MSSP, besides permitting me to cut on my daily expenditure on food and daily stuffs, which could not be so useful yet I still want to keep them in my collection, but also gladdening my heart as I will have acquired new books without having to fill myself with dismay (for I am a not-so-austere cheapskate =_=”).

By the way, I have an antipathy towards poetic and historical books. +_+

Cheers!

Fight-less Bird, American Mouth, by Iron & Wine 놀라운 성취! ¡Está Maravilloso!

I was a quick wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
And when the cops closed the fair I cut
my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big pill looming

Now I’m a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you?
Flightless bird, grounded bleeding
Or lost you?
American mouth
Big pill, stuck going down

I first heard this song through the film – Twilight and the beat was seemingly a perfect match for the ending scene. I liked it very much, thereby trying to seek for it. Repeatedly, I listened to it and tried to understand the meaning of the song in the meantime to further examine whether this song really suited the romantic coda of the film.

Perhaps, I was not a native English speaker, I heard that the band was mumbling words or terms like ‘quick wet boy’, ‘fat house cat’ but couldn’t really make a correlation between this song and the scene. To me, the song seemed to have no connection with the scene and the lyrics obviously did not make any sense the first time I read.

I was not sure about whether there were any websites for interpreting or translating the lyrics of a song into a simple and comprehensible version, so I went on to seek my fortune.
My search results truly astounded me as I saw many film-lovers were trying to know about the meaning of the songs as well and the evidence was given by considerable number of posts, all were in connection with their hunger or thirst for the song’s meaning.

I scrolled down the page to read the remaining posts. In my mind, there could be somebody had already known the meaning and had been keen to share with us.
Among the posts, I saw some sort of posts like this:

I hate how people always connect this song to the movie twilight, when they
should be connecting twilight to the song. The movie doesn’t make the song
better, but the other way around. I have never seen the movie and haven’t read
any of the books; this song is amazing on its own. When I first saw the trailer
for twilight i was like "oh c’mon another vampire movie, I just know its gonna
bomb at the box office," the only reason it did good was because of the
teenagers who were fans of the books. The plot doesn’t really appeal to me so
I’m not interested in watching the movie or reading any of the books. This song
and band is amazing and I will continue to listen to them. - Anonymous

I had some kind of agreement with the statement this ‘anonym’ had made on 23rd of December; particularly, we shouldn’t relate the song really to the film actually. Thee song is really amazing of its own. Its ‘misty’ meaning really made the song a worthier one of listening.
Trust me, take what you feel when listening to the song and put it into the lyrics, you would smile and it makes you have a nice feeling.

From answer.yahoo.com,

As people would always say about the time when one is still a child: a child is
everything that is new and great. Changes will happen when his or her life and
reality have found him or her.
A boy who had been enjoying life once he was
small had found out that things happened like betrayal, anger and jealousy when
getting elder and elder. All these have made him contemplate finding the former
happiness again like what he had when he was little.

A marvelous song, isn’t it? = ^..^ =

Andy, a rather corpulent boy I know 이런, 비만형 가지고 있다?!

A recent short holiday did me nothing, but did make me become a fatty.
I was not sure how much had I been over-nourished by my mum during the last holiday. But one thing I was sure was I was offered a wide variety of comestible things. Oh goodness, I am fatter now!

“What you actually had? What else could you have?” Somebody might have wanted to know.

The first day when I saw my mum, I saw chocolates, irregular-shaped and oily biscuits brought back from Tianjin. To our astonishment, we could finish the whole duty-free ‘KISS Chocolate’ bought from KLIA, with about 30 + individual packs of them within 12 hours, together with my other sibs. And on the second day, we accomplished our eating ‘mission’ consecutively.
We had almost spent MYR 60 within three days just for the fun of crunching on chocolates.
I couldn’t imagine why I couldn’t control myself to stop biting something at that moment.

I’m getting podgier now and I can feel that when I am walking.
At present, an extra strength is needed to carry my heavier body up and down the hill.
It becomes more obvious when I am sitting, I can feel that my tummy is bigger now and makes me have the breathless feeling. I do not think it is a false alarm but I think it is telling me that my overweight body has created some sort of health problems for me soon. I better watch out for my own health now. I don’t anticipate any bodily problems that could happen to me in these few years, which have very high probability of ruining my going-to-be-realizable dream.

I should always remember my mum’s words:

Health and Safety are everything.
Even if you have earned the whole World;
Without them, you are just having nothing.
As you couldn’t bring them together with you,
As you are lying lifelessly on your bed,
Or you are resting in peace in your casket,
They are not with you.
There is no a life hereafter,
You can only live once,
So keep your health as your first choice, after God.

Freedom or Repression? 자유, 또는 억압?

A quote from the Bible Scripture: Genesis 3: 1 – 6, carrying an implication being that Jehovah, our God always gives us freedom for any deeds we would like to have in our everyday life.

… Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden. And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden. But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit, thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat…

Just like what have been depicted in the scripture, the Mighty one created the forbidden fruits, letting the first man and woman to choose whether or not they want to have. The first human beings had chosen to take the forbidden fruits and therefore, they anyhow needed to bear much of the responsibility for the path they had picked. Adam and Eve were led by their actions into slavery, being trussed up by sins.

I am always envisioning what our relationship with God will be if they did not opt for the wrong way. ‘Will all the human beings still live in Eden, the place of happiness?’

Human beings are born with original sin and are always under Satan’s enticement into committing sins. Some are vulnerable to it while some are immune to it. Again, a choice is awaiting our decision.

Dear Father, I understand the real meaning of freedom given and I hope my choice won’t be the one leading me to servitude. Please forgive me my debts as I forgive my debtors. And please, God, lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

Obliging + Valiant

Yesterday, when I was on the way to a nearby seven-eleven store to have my DiGi number's credit reloaded, I had met with an old lady by accident, who was almost my grandma's age was sitting on a pavement, exactly in front of a drugstore. The aged woman hopelessly watched the heavy pedestrian traffic on the pavement, rubbing both her hands with her knees. At that moment, I could surmise that the woman must be having a slip and fall before she sat on the sidewalk, since as far I know, nobody have ever taken or would like a rest on the dirty pavement.

Meanwhile, I moved to a very slow walking pace and I stopped when there were perhaps ten paces between me and the old lady. I beheld the lady in a furtive or circumspect manner as I was having a hesitation about what to do next: Keep on moving to 7-11 store or doing the opposite way.

Well on that time, I had many facts to chew upon before I could make up my mind whether or not to help the old lady - I chose to have my phone credit topped up at the end without acting out my compassion for the lady. One of the factors leading me to have such utterly ruthless decision was due to my doubt or uncertainty about the woman's actual need.

When at home, I started to feel a pang of remorse for being over-rational when coming to lending my hands to somebody in need of help. And in the end, the decision that I thought to be the most rational one was actually the most irrational one. :(

Never try to rationalize the role of a Good Samaritan. Sometimes, we would have found helping the needy to be an irrational act, well, at least we would feel gratified to see how much our work (our help) is appreciated when others say 'Thank you'. An obliging person is not necessarily a valiant person, this is what I am trying to say.

Do I Deserve?

A fair morning, not until the cuckoo said eleven o'clock, when my brother brought me an envelope measuring 23 cm × 10 cm with my name and home address typewritten in totally five rows and a blue circular stamp of my school's name on it. Didn't really take care of my brother's words on that time due to my annoyance at the way he talked to his elders, and I had the letter from his hands and kept on reading a paragraph in book by Rais Yatim. A minute later after finishing the paragraph, I took up the envelope and read its contents, as follows:

Encik / Cik,

Jemputan ke Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang Sekolah Menengah Dato' Idris 2008

Dengan hormatinya merujuk keada tujuan di atas.

2. Sehubungan dengan hal itu, pihak sekolah dengan sukacitanya menjemput encik / cik serta ibu bapa / penjaga hadir ke Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang Sekolah Menengah Dato' Idris 2008 yang telah diadakan mengikut butiran berikut:

Tarikh: 21hb Jun 2008 (Sabtu)

Masa: 8.30 Pagi

Tempat: Dewan Sekolah SMK Dato' IDRIS

Pakaian: Rasmi

Before scanning to the end of the letter for more useful information, I took a breath and let my mind wondering whether or not to attend the ceremony since I am leading a hectic life in recently to prepare myself physically and mentally before I commence my A-level on the first of July. Apart from my business, I was thinking about the exhausting tasks required by JPA (Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam or Public Service Department) to be done and handed in on the day of registration, namely the 30th of this June before I can get enrolled for the course in UCSI (University College Sedayah International) in Cheras and also my papa and mama's so-called business. My mum gotta to bring her *lovely* (That's what she thinks) students to Ayer Tawar for a Science Carnival held by PPD Manjung (Office of Education of Manjung district, not for sure) in SMK Ambrose on the same day. Without letting my mind to keep on wandering, I had made my mind up not to attend the ceremony but still continue with the letter:

3. Kerjasama pihak encik / cik amat dihargai dan didahului dengan ucapan terima kasih. Sebarang pertanyaan sila didahului dengan ucapan terima kasih. Sebarang pertanyaan sila hubungi Puan Ahainie ...

I made a fleeting glimpse to the end of the letter until the signature of the present principal of my ex-school. Apart from the signature of the new principal that I was not acquainted with, nothing else at the bottom of the letter had caught my attention to review the letter again. Wandering for the next five minutes and starting to mull over some seemingly unrelated questions: Am I worthy of the best academic award (since I was the best in my ex-school last year) which would be given to me tomorrow morning? Was the excellence due to my diligence before and during the examination or mainly by sheer luck? :(

Such thoughts had struck me unceasingly since the first day of joining ReCom (The Reborn Community, a worldwide portal for Malaysian students to hold discussion about their problems and share their thoughts) . Joining the community might be advantageous to me but somewhat detrimental to my confidence. Meeting different people in there, and have begun to feel myself being a nobody in this competitive world.

On a personal level, I am a deep person but considerably poor in self-expression. I love self-improvement and have numerous moments of self-doubt a day. Sadly, this has thrust myself into a position of awesome responsibilities and it is really exhausting and burdensome. I'm attempting to adapt myself quickly to this situation - and I hope all the efforts I had and shall have can surpass my expectation in the future.