Do I Deserve?

A fair morning, not until the cuckoo said eleven o'clock, when my brother brought me an envelope measuring 23 cm × 10 cm with my name and home address typewritten in totally five rows and a blue circular stamp of my school's name on it. Didn't really take care of my brother's words on that time due to my annoyance at the way he talked to his elders, and I had the letter from his hands and kept on reading a paragraph in book by Rais Yatim. A minute later after finishing the paragraph, I took up the envelope and read its contents, as follows:

Encik / Cik,

Jemputan ke Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang Sekolah Menengah Dato' Idris 2008

Dengan hormatinya merujuk keada tujuan di atas.

2. Sehubungan dengan hal itu, pihak sekolah dengan sukacitanya menjemput encik / cik serta ibu bapa / penjaga hadir ke Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang Sekolah Menengah Dato' Idris 2008 yang telah diadakan mengikut butiran berikut:

Tarikh: 21hb Jun 2008 (Sabtu)

Masa: 8.30 Pagi

Tempat: Dewan Sekolah SMK Dato' IDRIS

Pakaian: Rasmi

Before scanning to the end of the letter for more useful information, I took a breath and let my mind wondering whether or not to attend the ceremony since I am leading a hectic life in recently to prepare myself physically and mentally before I commence my A-level on the first of July. Apart from my business, I was thinking about the exhausting tasks required by JPA (Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam or Public Service Department) to be done and handed in on the day of registration, namely the 30th of this June before I can get enrolled for the course in UCSI (University College Sedayah International) in Cheras and also my papa and mama's so-called business. My mum gotta to bring her *lovely* (That's what she thinks) students to Ayer Tawar for a Science Carnival held by PPD Manjung (Office of Education of Manjung district, not for sure) in SMK Ambrose on the same day. Without letting my mind to keep on wandering, I had made my mind up not to attend the ceremony but still continue with the letter:

3. Kerjasama pihak encik / cik amat dihargai dan didahului dengan ucapan terima kasih. Sebarang pertanyaan sila didahului dengan ucapan terima kasih. Sebarang pertanyaan sila hubungi Puan Ahainie ...

I made a fleeting glimpse to the end of the letter until the signature of the present principal of my ex-school. Apart from the signature of the new principal that I was not acquainted with, nothing else at the bottom of the letter had caught my attention to review the letter again. Wandering for the next five minutes and starting to mull over some seemingly unrelated questions: Am I worthy of the best academic award (since I was the best in my ex-school last year) which would be given to me tomorrow morning? Was the excellence due to my diligence before and during the examination or mainly by sheer luck? :(

Such thoughts had struck me unceasingly since the first day of joining ReCom (The Reborn Community, a worldwide portal for Malaysian students to hold discussion about their problems and share their thoughts) . Joining the community might be advantageous to me but somewhat detrimental to my confidence. Meeting different people in there, and have begun to feel myself being a nobody in this competitive world.

On a personal level, I am a deep person but considerably poor in self-expression. I love self-improvement and have numerous moments of self-doubt a day. Sadly, this has thrust myself into a position of awesome responsibilities and it is really exhausting and burdensome. I'm attempting to adapt myself quickly to this situation - and I hope all the efforts I had and shall have can surpass my expectation in the future.